Of Recent Happenings

It's the end of the year. The weather has been lazy and rainy and grey and gloomy. Ironically, I don't feel so sad. Instead, this time around it has been invoking some sort of romancy aura, I feel like floating sometimes.

Just got back from Idan & June's wedding earlier. They were officially married four days ago and we went for their kenduris yesterday (June's) in PJ and today (Idan's) in Shah Alam. It still feels kinda surreal to see both of them up dolled up and sitting on the pelamin! I believe it but it still feels odd, but it's all good :)

Yesterday, we registered to run for a 12K next Sunday. We haven't been training much lately, due to our busy schedules, and I can't wait to see how we'd do next week! Both of us have been smoking too much and getting buncit by the day! Ha. We're much closer to each other these days, especially since the night he confessed in the car near, near my house, towards completing our whole day outing, that he's attracted to me (exact words). Oddly, he apologized to me cause he said he didn't mean to feel that way, and he was afraid that it'd make me mad at him for feeling such way. I surprised him by telling the exact opposite. He likes surprises :)

Oh, I've started another blog - counting my blessings at thinkmemorablenotmaterial.blogspot.com. Haven't blogged for quite some time.

Leaving jogging has taken its toll. Feeling a bit tired and dull the past week, and my tummy and back are starting to ache again. Was planning to jog this evening but couldn't find the motivation. How I wished he was here.

I don't want to update about work. It stretches me thin. Today's a Sunday, and I'm doing my best to make the best out of it. I'll have the whole week next week to deal with the headaches.

Need to revise on The Secret. My focus is a bit out these past weeks, and need to realign. I feel good but something else is holding me back - ME. Haha. Need to brush up on consistency.

I called Ms Oon earlier... Guess what? We're starting back piano first thing next year! Looking forward to that.

New favorite song - Agua de Beber, Astrud Gilberto

Your love is rain, my heart the flower,
I need your love or I will die
My very life is your power,
will I wither and fade or bloom to the sky
Aqua de Beber, Give the flower water to drink
Aqua de Beber, Give the flower water to drink
The rain can fall on distant deserts,
the rain can fall upon the sea
The rain can fall upon the flower, since the rain has to fall let it fall on me
Aqua de Beber, Give the flower water to drink
Aqua de Beber, Give the flower water to drink

The best thing, at this moment, in all this swirl of emotions? I shared it with Mama :)

Of (Confusing) Cycles

3 Nov 2008, 4:03 pm, HC Office

Now I better time stamp my blogs cause of the tendency to leave my updates halfway and continue it months after I start it.

Anyways, today has been a not-so-up-there day. I feel a bit bloated, although my menses are through. I feel a bit fatter, although everyone's been saying I've shrunken skinny. I feel a bit sad, although I'm over the moon with yes, the yet the unsaid name. I feel a bit disoriented, although I'm doing my bestest to emit focused energy. What am I doing un-right?

I've been smoking a lot, an average of 5 times a day at the office. Almost double up from my usual schedule. Feeling a bit out of breath and tired. Probably caused we've cut down jogging sessions to only once a week. I gotta jog tonight. I have to. Have to!

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sadI simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

I remember practising cursive handwriting in primary school with the lyrics above. And I've always wondered why we watched Sound of Music repeatedly instead of other movies. It was the VHS era, and there were loads of other movies we could have watched. Instead, it was Julie Andrews over and over, thanks to our beloved Mak :)

And this morning, I had in my head that Lea Salonga song with that Brad-something-fella..And yes, I was singing out loud in the car! Wait, let me google up the lyrics a while..

Haa.. Brad Kane.. It's called, 'We Could Be In Love'

(G. Burtnick/S. Peiken)
Lea:Be still my heart
Lately its mind is on it's own
It would go far and wide
Just to be near you

Brad:Even the stars
Shine a bit bright I've noticed
When you're close to me

Lea: Still it remains a mystery

Chorus (Both):Anyone who seen us
Knows what's going on between us
It doesn't take a genius
To read between the lines

Brad: ohhAnd it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Lea:I ask myself why
I sleep like a baby through the night
Maybe it helps to know
you'll be there tomorrow

Brad: Lea:Don't open my eyes Ohhh
I'll wake from the spell I'm under
Makes me wonder how
Tell me how
I could live without you now

Both:And what about the laughter
The happy ever after
Like voices of sweet angels
Calling out our names
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Brad:All my lifeI have dreamed of this
But I could not see your face

Lea:Don't ask why two such distant stars
Can fall right into place

(Repeat Chorus)

Both: Oh, it doesn't take a genius
To know what these are symptoms of
We could be

Lea: ohh
We could be, we could be in love
Brad:Could be in
Both:We could be in love

I like!

Crushy mushy so what. It doesn't happen so frequently and I've been single forever. Don't ask why, but I have. Did a little dating, with the most unusual characters, and left it all hanging in the middle. And this time around, it almost seems right. But the past few days, doubts have slowly wrapped itself around my thoughts. So typical of me. Still, it did not deter me from leading him on. Is this a symptom of me enjoying being unfaithful? I know I'm so damn loyal, well, I did the cheating shit earlier in life, and I've never done it anymore. Or do I really enjoy being unattached? Then, how come it makes me sick to know everyone else is attached? Void, won't you answer me once a while?

I've got a lot of work to catch up with, and I've got it all strategised and I just can't execute. And he's probably so deep into work that I almost envy it.

Yesterday we were on the phone almost an hour before I went to bed. Talking about nothing. Isn't that what these things are all about. Sharing something out of nothing. Wait a minute. Am I complaining about a blessing God has bestowed me? Have I left praying behind for much too long? What is the matter with me today??

Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. The cycle is vicious.

But the only way to go when you're down is UP. So be. UP. UP. UP.

And, love, love, love :)

What I don't like, I'm gonna be cruel but honest...
- not so good English
- height
- skin
- family background
- culinary preference
- music preference
- the ngada2 wannabe
- sometimes i feel he's trying too hard?
- his friends network

What I loike... :)
- his occupation(s)
- dedication to work
- ambition(s)
- movie preference
- funniness
- a look-alike
- he sed loike :)
- multi-talentedness
- imitation capability!
- he's already got me two gifts so far, haha!
- 10K and further distances in years to come, perhaps
- other hobbies - photography, ID, outdoor activities

Hmm.. so early and yet so much too say already? I wonder what he makes of me? But, would it be too much if I wanted to ask for THE Perfect Person to share the rest of my life with? A lot of people say, you CAN'T ask for perfect, you settle with your best bet. Nobody's perfect. Is this so true?? Is this so not?? Void, won't you answer me, please.

What if all my flaws were perfect for him? I know his flaws, and it seems that its not perfect for me. Will there be anyone's flaws that would be perfect? For me? And vice versa?

And the cycle is confusing.

And I spread love.

And I emit positive energy.
And I am (forced to) smiling.

And I am happy with all my blessings. I am happy. I am happy. I am happy. Ohhmmmmmm...

27th on 25th

It's two years past 25th on 25th. A special day regardless. It's a Thursday and I'm at the office with no one around - that's why I can blog! :)



Just a quick one, before I go on detailing later tonight...

20th October 2008, 1932 hrs, HC Office, Jln Yap Kwan Seng, pretty bad traffic out there.

Omigosh. I only managed to type two sentences above on my birthday? Must have been busy.

Busy? Understatement.

We've all got it all up to our noses these days.

But, its good... Its ALL good! Hehe..

Anyways, been meaning to update about my birthday - received quite a lot of gifts, this year (surprisingly, but its all nice and dandy ;)) Again, this year my birthday falls in the fasting month. So, had buka puasa with Mama and Uncle at Bubba Gump.

The night before, had buka puasa with Idan, Sarip and Kimin in Kelana Jaya. Near Idan's office, there's this quite nice steakhouse overlooking a lake. They surprised me with a birthday cake. Well, it was Idan's surprise. Kimin and Sarip were equally shocked when the cake came. So sweet of them.

On the B-day itself, I got a bouquet of stargazers sent at the office. With no name signed on it. With well wishes, and addressed to Faz Mohd. Was it a controversy? Probably. Cause everyone was suspecting both En Syed and En Arif hooked up and sent it to me. Then, they concluded, probably it was the florist himself. Haha. So sad, no one expected that I could actually have an admirer to send me flowers. Sigh. Haha.

The sender me a text though, I know who it was, and suspected him from the very start. Unfortunately, the text was to my personal phone, and I only managed to read it about 3 hours after it was sent. We had a laugh on it though, it's all good :)

Then, on Friday, day after my birthday, went for facial session at Derby Park. Ennie couldn't make it, so had it with Alia. Afterwards, we broke fast in Ampang Park. Ennie was supposed to join but she was stuck in the traffic. She only managed to arrive about 9. Pity her, pregnant and fasting and had to face the jam. Before that, both me and Alia bumped into Ali - who wanted to join us for our very late buka, but then re-decided and headed back home. Anyways, the point of this update is? I got a very special gift from Ennie - a Sony DVD player!! It's pink and white and she was in charge with the initial design and cost control. She says, "..sort of like my baby lah.." Very nice. It's all good.

Kak Pit gave me a basket of goodies - white spray paint, paintbrush, towel and KitKat for my DIY project! All came in a nice and classy basket arrangement, done in oh-so-Martha-Stewart-ish. I should post up some pics!

Mama, unneccessarily, gave me, a lot, a lot, of money. Sigh. She's so caring, wonder what I'd do without her. I love her to pieces.

Belated gifts? Teddy bear (not a big one) from Papa, and a set of perfume from Renny, and two bottles of perfume (also) from Kak Long. Gosh, I must have emitted bad BO to them, eh? Haha. It's all good :)

What else? What else?

Got crushy mushy nowadays. We actually spent about an hour last night on the phone. It's crazy. Is it? I'm not sure, but I don't want to be thinking so much about it anymore. My take on it is like jogging (ironically), take it in small paces. Be consistent. Just breath. Just take in the air and smile watching the sunrise among the clouds. The 10K is doable, in a blink, and so can this (not in a blink lah, of course). But its doable. I just need to enjoy it. I'm smiling as I'm typing now. I think I have always thought of him, in a certain way, but probably was too afraid to admit it. Or probably, I had really huge ego, and decided he was not good enough for me. Hell, I'm probably not good enough for him. But, that's not the way we should carry it. We're both good for each other. I know we are. Crushy mushy.

It's all still a crush.

I know he's got one too. Hah.

Okay, twenty minutes of updating. This could go on and on and on. I better make a move before it gets too tiring.

I'll let you know more about our Hari Raya adventures.

Oh, and I'll upload the headlines on 25 September ago!

Till then, spread love! :)

Of Emitting The Right Frequency

Okay, I've just done reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne last week.

The lesson learnt: Like Attracts Like.

So, attract like.

But I'll get back to attracting like later on. Let me just share some updates of the past week.

1. Another Hospital Visit
4th September. Boss wanted me to accompany him to Subang. No prior reason given. Then, we came nearby Sunway Hospital. Okay.
"Are we going to the hospital?"
"Yes."
"Who's been hospitalised?" (Trying professional tone with tinge of concern)
"A friend."
"Okay."
So then we went to the lobby. To buy flowers. I forked out mine cause he was out was cash. Okay.
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Yup."
"Can you carry these (flowers) too?"
"Okay..." (With a big tinge of hesitation) "I was thinking I should just wait down here..."
"No.. No.. come up"
"Hmmm.."
So we got to Level 2 - Maternity Ward. Who delivered? Ex-girlfriend? Friend's wife? Uhh.. wife?
So many possibilities running through my head.

"Hi... Come in.." (Signals me to come in)
On the bed - - - Jenny.
Oh. My. God.
- - - - - - - - -
What happened to you? My cyst burst. OMG. OMG. I'm so shocked. Wow, flowers. Yeah.. I didn't expect to see you here. What happened. Poor thing. And your wedding.. Only a few days away! Yea.. I'm supposed to get my dowry today... So are you going to postpone? I don't know yet.. etc, etc, etc.

That, my friend, was. A surprise.

2. Closing Deals
On the same evening.

For who knows what reason, I went to check the fax machine.

Fresh and hot - JPL LOA. 122 units.

Fast forward one week, aka Fri 12 Sept.

SMS - Multimodal. 100 units.

3. The Run
Been changing routes this puasa month. We've started Lake Garden. And just last weekend, at UM. Unknown distance for the prior. The latter is approximately 5.7km.

Haven't done a 10 since the last participated run. But mostly, this puasa month is just to maintain pacing and stamina.

I hope we run again tomorrow. Probably at LG. We had buka puasa with Ennie in Bird Park last Friday.

Oh, and I've revisited some old favorites. Check this out:

September (Earth, Wind and Fire)

Do you remember on the 21st night of September
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away

Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing
As we danced in the night
Remember, how the stars stole the night away

Ba de ya, say do you remember
Ba de ya, dancing in September
Ba de ya, never was a cloudy day

My thoughts are with you
Holding hands with your heart to see you
Only blue talk and love
Remember, how we knew love was here to stay

Now December
Found the love that we shared in September
Only blue talk and love
Remember, the true love we share today

Cool eh? You know what it means :)

So, getting back to emitting like and like. Here's an excerpt I think describes my read the best:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Secret_(2006_film)

Step†
Commentary by Gazette[5]
Commentary by Nibbana[4]

Ask
Know what you want and ask the universe for it.
This is where you need to get clear on what it is you want to create and visualise what you want as being as 'real' as possible.

Believe†
Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way.
Focus your thoughts and your language on what it is you want to attract. You want to feel the feeling of really 'knowing' that what you desire is on its way to you, even if you have to trick yourself into believing it – do it.

Receive
Be open to receiving it.
Pay attention to your intuitive messages, synchronicities, signs from the Universe to help you along the way as assurance you are on the 'right' path. As you align yourself with the Universe and open yourself up to receiving, the very thing you are wanting to manifest will show up.

† In the earlier (first) edition, Esther Hicks listed the three steps as: "ask, answer, receive". In the first edition, she describes the step "answer" as "an answer to what you're asking ... what the universe does for you". (Hicks declined to continue with the project, mentioning contractual issues in a letter to friends.[10])

Yup. Read that. Digest. Then, we'll get back to that soon okay.

Another night in September.

Oh, we submitted papers to set up Rightontrack earlier this evening :)

GOOD Night :)

Of Ramadhan

Haha. Never thought I'd post a post under that name.

Today marks the first day of Ramadhan, 1st September 2008.

I think for the second? third? year already, I've not been welcoming its arrival. And not for voluntary reasons, and you know what it is. Perhaps its a metaphore - of a particular subject that I'm not welcoming too.

Anyway, last Friday, 29 Aug, marked another first for me. First time to a driving range. Finally! It's been almost a year since I've had the intention to start golf and here it comes.

We went to Kiara, with Rams and Amir, and I got me my first white golf gloves :)

It was fun, but probably I gripped the clubs to hard - my hands still hurt from Friday (today's Monday). Fun because it triggers focus and patience, I guess. But hey, that was only my one first time. I can't wait to get addicted to it!

Yesterday was Merdeka, so today's public holiday. Aleef's at home and its been a lazy weekend for all of us, except yesterday when Mama had a bunch of guests. Tiring.

Last week on 28th was Fahimi's birthday and this week on 5th will be Papa's.

I ran a 5.7km yesterday, which is one full round at UM, plus the very steep hill at 10th (that I dreamt about last night) at 47 minutes. Coincidentally, when I was just about done, there was a competitive run for the API students, I think. The female were all clad in hijjab. By the way, I supposed to run with Fahimi, but he didn't wake up. And I sorta sensed it coming when I was driving to UM yesterday morning. Probably I was thinking too much about it, that he appeared in my dream where we both conquered that steep hill at 10th together. Haha.

So yeah, Raya will be around the corner. Can't wait to see what surprises it holds for us this year. Think positive, cause a positive thought can't be denied. Be healthy. Be happy :)

Of Hospitals and Airports

This is the week that epitomizes the above.

Hospitals - Dengue for Zul and Fino. Baby girl for Kent. Ennie's mum, bro and sister met with minor accident yesterday.

Airports - Ishida to Aussie. Ennie to Sarawak. Mama to Ho Chi Minh. Chong and Goh to Taipei.

I haven't run since 10K last Sunday, then pulled a 3K yesterday. Didn't sweat enough and didn't push myself harder. Today, feeling a bit of difficulty to breath.

Oh, and just wanted to share... Looking back at the list of things to do (drafted last year) - I actually achieved 3 of it! Wall climbing? Check. Wide water? Check. Run? Check.

Next thing I should pursue - learn a classical by heart. What else if not Chopin :)

Be positive, be happy, be healthy!

Of Attaining a Resolution

About two months, now? Yes. Haven't blogged.

All time devoted to work? Yes. And today is different.

Got a lot of free time? Apparently. It's a dark and rainy Monday morning, and I've just returned from a 5-day break. From Wednesday last week.

Unexpected? Yes.

Good news? Plenty. *smile*

1. The Work
Since most of the team members are out, except me and Rena, of course. I'm a bit off track trying to catch up with what I've left last week. YS and Ali are all in the mood of leaving, really, their last day is this Wednesday, so there's nothing much I can do with them. So, here I am, blogging. Haha. I bet they can see from the reflection of my window I'm blogging. Who cares. I am happy.

2. The Break
Took Mama and Aleef to Cameron Highlands. Stayed at Equatorial for 3D-2N. Relaxing and fulfilling. Thing I enjoyed most? Long hot baths!

3. The Run
Have been training for about 2.5 weeks to participate in a 10K run. Larian Perpaduan Merdeka.

Quoted from: http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/8/18/nation/22110351&sec=nation

Over 7,000 take part in Merdeka Unity Run

By AUDREY EDWARDS

KUALA LUMPUR: Droves of Malaysians passed up the chance of sleeping in and instead turned up bright and early at Dataran Merdeka to take part in the inaugural Merdeka Unity Run.
They gathered before 7am yesterday and were seen warming up for the run in groups while others did morning aerobics with an instructor at the main stage.

More than 7,000 people took part in the run organised by the Unity Committee of the Merdeka celebrations chaired by Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Dr Ng Yen Yen.

And while many were revved up to start their run, the rest took photographs and tried and get a closer glimpse of Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi.
Carnival-like atmosphere: Participants having fun on the main stage after finishing the Merdeka Unity Run at Dataran Merdeka Sunday.

Abdullah flagged off the race, which was divided into three categories – 10km, 5km and the fun run.

Joining him on the podium were his wife Datin Seri Jeanne Abdullah, Dr Ng, National Unity, Culture, Arts and Heritage Minister Datuk Seri Mohd Shafie Apdal and his wife Datin Seri Shuryani Shuaib and Agriculture and Agro-based Industry Minister Datuk Mustapa Mohamed.
The Prime Minister and VIPs also visited booths that had been set up on the sprawling field and the crowd, including families, friends, students, the disabled and single mothers, checked out the various activities at the community carnival held for them.

This included free health screenings, stage performances, aero dancing (a type of aerobics) and colouring contests which, Dr Ng told reporters, were events that brought people together.
She said having a category where people of various ethnic groups entered as teams was to embrace the fact that while they were still Malaysians, one could not deny ethnic lines of division.

Wheelchair-bound former safety officer Karthigesan Eswara, 41, who took part in the 3km fun run, said the event would foster unity among Malaysians.

Meanwhile, Fiona Zuzartee, 20, beat 15 other finalists to win the Fitness Round of the 9th National Miss MalaysiaIndian Global (MMIGlobal) pageant at the run.

Zuzartee, of Indian-Portuguese parentage, completed the 5km run in 39.02 minutes.
Following hot on her heels was medical student Sowmya Krishnan, 20, in 39.12 minutes.
Law student Keshreena Kaur Sidhu, 20, finished third in 43.32 minutes.

And me?

Ran with Fahimi and Yot. But Yot was far ahead from us.

We both completed the 10K - non-stop - at approximately 90 minutes.

The route? From Dataran Merdeka - Jln Tun Ismail - Bulatan Duta - Pass Tennis Stadium - Into Jln Duta - Up the ramp in front of Parliament - Jln Tugu - Back to Dataran Merdeka.

This goes down the books. Why? Cause I actually achieved one of my (two-years-old) new year's resolution! And, I actually thought to SMS Rizal. But then, I did a Re-Thought. Ha.

So next on the map - 20K run. Talk about ambitious.

However, this training and running has given me a new me. I feel good, light and crushy (again).

This time, the crush could potentially be more rational. It feels to be two-sided, and probably not as a long shot as the one before. I feel better in the mind too. And I feel a bit more confident than I did few months back.

4. The 17th
Yesterday, 17th August marked a few events - A Run, A TV Appearance and A Birthday.

Enough said for the first marked item.

Renny debuted as a newscaster on Bernama yesterday at 10.30 am. She looked beautiful, and so professional. I'm so happy for her. Hello, celebrity in the family!

It was Jan's birthday yesterday. We had a "surprise" party for her at our house, and had her fiancee come over too.

5. The New Family Member
Tessa gave birth to a baby boy, on 15 August at 8.15 am. Nice.

6. The Prediction
When I was training for the run, I had a vision that someone would probably need some sort of help during my run.

I was running with Fahimi on 15 Aug, at Kota Damansara, when a biker in distress called for our help. He ran across the road to help out this guy to restart his bike. Then, we continued running. Another round later, we stumbled this same guy at the spot where Fahimi help restart the bike. He was actually waiting for us. Why?

He had gone to buy some drinks for us. A token for helping us out.

Our reaction? Pleasantly surprised. There's still some good in this world. Subhanallah.

7. Nifsu Syabaan
Came the night before the run :)

8. The Masters
Still haven't got a channel to finance my accepted course at UQ, to do MSc International Econs & Finance. STILL working on it, after about 1 YEAR ALREADY!

Aaaaaandddd.. guess what? Ok, don't guess cause I'm telling.

Ishida will be going to UQ to pursue her PhD. When? This Saturday. Sigh. Talk about making a hoo-haa about things. Then I read the quote from Dina Zaman again. Keep it close to the heart, girl, keep it CLOSED. Mental note to me - repeat over and over and over and over.

So yeah, she's going, fully sponsored, and I'm still here. The best part about it is - I don't feel so bad! I know there's a reason I'm still going to be here for quite some time. Aaaaaannnddd.. it could be because of the 20K. It just could be :)

Oh, did I tell that Ennie is preggie? Nice.

Oh, did I tell that Dz is married? Nice.

Oh, did I tell that this running thing started when I participated for 5K walk last month? Guess I didn't, did I?

Oh, maybe I should say that the training started when we went to catch X-Files at Mid Valley. Lame movie. Good excuse.

And another Oh, I've started making music again.

And another another Oh, keep a watch for a company possibly called Right-On-Track.

And another another another Oh, I bought myself a new watch. Which, to think of it, I've never ever bought myself a proper watch. But I did it last weekend.

Encapsulating the past two months? Done.

Way forward? More positive energy to be exerted and much more to be garnered.

Be happy and be healthy!

*OMG, forgot to mention that I was down with food poisoining after consuming maggie goreng at a gerai in Titiwangsa. What a traumatic experience. I'm banning maggie goreng from my palate 10 years from now!

Be healthy! :)

Of Looking for God

When your desire becomes the grave of your secret,
the desire of yours will be gained more quickly.
The Prophet said that anyone
who keeps his inmost thought
will soon attain the object of his desire.
When seeds are buried in the earth,
their inward secrets become the flourishing garden.
(The Six Faced Mirror, Mathnawi I, 175-177)

- quoted from I Am Muslim by Dina Zaman, 2007


My current favourite book.

It's funny and pin-points my unconscious inner thoughts. Things I've thought about, currently thinking and currently practising are encapsulated in the book. I absolutely, absolutely adore it.

It helps that I used to read Dina's Dalca regularly in the newspaper when I was a teenager. Dina's humour and spontaneous style bookmarked in my head. Brings back memories when I was staying with Mak and Bak.

The reason I'm noting this down today, is because of what happened yesterday. Apart from the VERY unexpected turmoil that turned up at the office yesterday, I was happy juggling thoughts in my head. Of a very unexpected, prolonged crush. How juvenile. But yes, I liked it, it made me happy so what the hell.

And the words from the poem kept ringing in my head (although I couldn't get it word for word) the first two lines were enough for me to get the gist. I won't tell anyone, although I very much wanted to share about this crush of mine with Sarip last weekend. Who else better to tell, than the most quiet one in the bunch?

Now, I'm really glad I have a blog! Pour it out gal!

Ok, no names. But, wouldn't hurt to give him a nick name, a-la Carrie Bradshaw, with Mr. Big.

Hmmm.. his will be.. uhmm.. Mr. Loud? No, too brash.

Mr. Confidence? Perhaps.

Mr. South? Cause he's based in the southern region? Southie? Hahaha.. that's along the lines of R-E-S, ie: Saudi vs Southie

Mr. Coo? Ooooohh.. nice.. cause he's the C.O.O?

Ok, let's settle on Mr. Coo? Hey, now that looks like a Chinese name lah pulak.

Ok, ok, Mr. South.

Alright, Mr. South is this high positioned singleton (is that even a proper word?) who reeks confidence and very gung-ho (quoting my boss), and is oh, plump (but that's ok cause he's confident) with a voice so loud, that it beats me and/or Renny.

His birthday is 2 days away from mine (Libra, as I am) but 7 years apart. I'm not sure why I'm so crushy about him, but I am. Ok, I think it's the confidence portion.

I don't want to give away so much about him, cause God forbid anyone I know stumbles upon this blog!

Yesterday, in an effort (or so-called) to catch his attention (hey, it's my first time ever to make any first move, or SO-CALLED) - I emailed a two liner to him. Only him. No CC to no one.

Then, he replied. A one-liner. And I got all excited about it. Sheesh, me and cheap thrills.

My question is, has it been so long, that it only takes a one-line email, or do I REALLY have a super-major crush on this one?

Beats me. The answers will be revealed when I read this again, few years (or months) down the line. But as of this moment, the one-liner was enough to run my endorphins from 3.17pm yesterday until 6.11 pm.

So, to Mr. South, if he ever finds out (or not) of this mushy-crushy, thank you for indicting my endorphins for this past few months.

And, to Dina Zaman, thank you for highlighting that poem at just the right time in my life. *smile*

Of Emotions

May, 2008 - The Month of Emotions

A lot of mixed feelings the past few weeks. Newborns, deaths, marriage, heartbreakes, crushes, you name it we got it.

We've got friends delivering happy news of starting a new life, be it a new partner or addition to the family. Always makes me wonder when I'll be given the opportunity to start mine.

And today, I suddenly feel overwhelmed with a crushy feeling. It's totally absurd but I can't help it. It's inducing a lot of endorphins. Maybe because I'm lagged of sleep. Or maybe a little tired. Or maybe adjusting to the fact that my work load is not so loading.

Then, I was thinking about Papa and Aunty. The drama episode that got us all angered and disapppointed, and provoked our female tear-glands. Oh, my composition is so cold and unstructured.

All these in between sudden news of the departed loved ones. Makes us reflect on how Allah works His ways to wake us up when we're busy chasing worldly matters.

Today is a Friday, the day I was born and possibly the day I will die.

Before I do, I really hope I will get the chance to raise a family, if not for long, but enough to let my parents see their grandchildren, and enough for me to know that I can raise my children at least half as good as my parents raised us.

Everyday has been a mixture of feeling like a child, like a teenager, like a parent, like an elderly and I am so thankful to be able to taste if not much, a bit of all this.

And, yes, I have crushes. :)

Of A Reminder

Ilham - Do Al-Quran translation for kids!

Of Sakura Season

Hey! That's a note going high, mind you.

Who would have guessed - that I'd be saying that I've just gotten back from Tokyo, Kobe and Osaka? No one!

Well, blessings, blessings, blessings just come rolling in when you least expect it eh?

It was for work, and had to go with Suzuki-san, En. Arif and Kheng - don't want to complain cause at least I got to go to the land of the rising sun, eh! The bonus was - SAKURA SEASON! We were lucky to have gone at a time it was just about blossoming - and it is known that the cherry blossoms only show their beauty for a short period. A metaphore the Japs use to compare with female beauty. Short lived, so enjoy it while you can!

So here goes, our chronicles through the short (but memorable) 5-day trip...

24 March 2008


Still had to come to office to prepare the items to be brought to Japan.

Left at about 3pm - brought Kheng home (Kota Damansara).

Mama sent us to airport at about 7.30pm.

Boarded JAL about 11pm, couldn't sleep the whole trip. Well, managed to catch only a few winks and the rest of the time was like... blink.blink.blink. Was trying too hard maybe, because the next day we had a meeting and I was supposed to present! Sigh.

Makan nasi with fish ala-jepun-with fruits and yoghurt for dessert. It rhymes!

Loved the JAL crackers. Funny smelling but addictive.


25 March 2008

Arrived at Narita Airport, approximately 6.30 am (KL) 7.30 am (Tokyo). Had a hard time with a-so-heavy hand luggage sebab ada laptop in it. And a much heavier pull-luggage. Envied those Japs with their oh-so-small-chic-four-wheeled-colorful-luggages. Its amazing how these people pack!

Before me and En. Arif had the opportunity to dash for a quick ciggie, we were spotted by the fresh faced Suzuki. "Welcome to Japan!" All smiles.

Had a quick coffee before we spiraled our way down to wait for the train to town. Took about an hour, if I remember correctly. I gave myself about 10 minutes to simmer the view of morning mist surrounding the outskirt township before dozing off all the way. Penat.

Change trains. Suzuki was as confused as we were. He's not familiar with Tokyo.

Change trains again. Then we're in Shinagawa. Cool breeze greeted as we exited the escalator. And across the road was Hearton Hotel, Shinagawa.

First sighting of white cherry blossom. Three trees. All white. Kawaii!

Parked our bags in ss's room before heading out to train station again. To Shinjuku.

Didn't get to go to Harajuku, ss unsure of the way. But we went to Takano- famous fruit parlour. Had strawberry parfait that costed RM60! But it was super-delicious. It'd be super-duper delicious if only I could eat ice-cream :(

Then, walked to Isetan. Caught display of new Jaguar. Saw white Bentley. Took pictures of flowers on the roadside, pansies and daisies mostly. I love spring.

Went back to Shinagawa. Walked to Jusco. Bought packed lunch. Taco tao and tempura.

To hotel, checked in, took shower, prayed, didn't get to eat, headed out to KYB.

KYB

Took a taxi (with a drive recorder installed!) and took picture. People on overhead bridge crossing. Massive volume. All dressed in black.

Arrived at World Trade Center. KYB on 12 Floor. Aoki-san greeted us.

Later joined by massive team - Dr. Inoue, Murase, Fukuda, Yagi and Stephanie.

I presented our solution. Discussion on future product and possible partnership.

KYB requested discussion to be continued the next day. Adjourned. We were left to wait in meeting room.

Looked outside window. Saw a big ferris wheel. Below was the bullet train station. A park with blooms.

Walked to a restaurant nearby. Didn't catch the name. Small and cosy and had water feature. Had a cubicle.

Dinner started off with snail, baby squid and fish jelly. Had sashimi. And pan-fried fish. Soba and udon. Black sugar cane jelly - my favourite! Group photo.

Took a taxi back to the hotel. Had a ciggie. Called the night off.



26 March 2008

Woke up at 6 but it was too late to catch Subuh. The sun was already high up.

Took time to shower. Enjoyed the warm, automatic bidet toilet seat. Nice smelling Shiseido body wash.

Had overnight-untouched-taco taos. Still tasted swell although I sorta gulped cause I thought we were running late. Went downstairs and ss was already waiting.

Crossed the road. Sakura bloom progresses on 3 trees. Took train heading out to Yokohama. More sakura sightings along the way. Orange trees in full fruit. White, light and dark pink sakuras. Love!

Arrived in Yamato for KYB factory visit. Across the station saw a florist. Very nice but didnt get to stop by. Took cab to KYB plant.

Sakura lined along the streets. Videod them.

Meeting and assembly line visit. More discussions. Getting sleepy. Went to assembly line. Saw where the test stabilizers for Shinkanzen (bullet train). Took more pictures. Adjourn. Took cab back to train station.

Back to hotel. Relax a tiny weeny bit before heading out again. Sakura progresses still. Nice.

Train to Shibuya. Ahhh.. the real buzz. Neons and frantic and fashionable fashionistas and jammed up road crossings. Refer: Tokyo Drift. Been there! Been there!

Had tempura for lunch. Nice. Went to Shibuya 109. Whole 9 storeys of clothes, shoes, bags, you-name-it-we-got-it fashion store. Only had half an hour to scout = no time! Thank god the items were quite pricy to turn us off. Spent some time at 'smorking' area. Heh.

Headed back to Tokyo. Kuwahara was waiting for us. The train station with many, many, many, many, fast-walking, black-suited working Japs. Shinagawa station? Uhmm... dunno the name. Sometimes, it's too confusing coz everything's in their language.

Had coffee at NYK cafe. Nice toilet, with perfume and sound panel on toilet seat.

Had dinner at Hokkaido restaurant. Kuwahara, Sasaki and Akama. Sashimi - sea urchin, jelly octopus, jelly fish, scallop simmered in butter, miso soup, which lasted us about 3 hours. Pumpkin pudding. Love their desserts, I tell you!

Went to Tokyo Tower. Sasaki got us girls phone accessories, the dangle2 ones? Yup. Super kawaii. Took vids and pics.

Went to Ginza. Saw Sony building. Tulips by the roadside.

Ok.. continuation from this point on could be a bit lagging. The lines above were written about a month ago! The trip was almost two months back. Here I am, May 17, 1.30 am at home, on a Saturday, forcing myself not to sleep cause its a long weekend, and brain-dead.

Sigh. Let's pray we remember. Here goes.

Tokyo Tower, Ginza, after the sightseeing, we went back to the hotel via train. The night was not so cold, but I was dying for a cig. Hmmm.. What did we do that night.. Packed up I guess. Then went to sleep.

27 March, Thursday
Morning meeting at Drive Camera. Took cab, enjoyed the morning view of the metropolis starting to buzz. Walked passed a park, full of sakura trees at medium bloom. Black suits with ciggies before work starts.

The office was small and hectic. I did presentation and SS translated. We were in casual clothes. Tuna sandwich and coffee for breakfast on meeting table. Long Q&A session cause it had to be translated to Chinese to Kheng then English to me. When it was all done, we took cab to Tokyo Station. Put our bags in locker then walked to Imperial Palace Garden. Very beautiful. Sakura in full bloom. Weather was not so cold. I noticed that the traffic didn't make any noise. Very sound environment friendly.

Then walked back to building at Tokyo station. Had lunch at soba place. Had tempura soba. Touched cherry blossom. Said our goodbyes to Kuwahara and Akama.

Shinkansen to Osaka. Saw Mt Fuji. But not its snow capped top. The weather was quite cloudy and could only catch a fragment of it. But I saw it, nonetheless.

Two hour train ride. Switched to the new series, N700 which brought us to "Old Osaka". Took cab, headed to Kobe Meriken Park. Very, very, very nice hotel. Each of us got our own room. With our balcony. Facing Kobe Port Tower, and Kobe hills and the marine park. Had a few minutes to freshen up then went out for dinner.

Took bus to Kobe town. Went to Sogo. Bought few cookies as souvenirs. Met Hasegawa san for dinner. Tempura set. Very brief dinner.

Heard jazz baskers opposite the complex. Walked the town. Hasegawa entertained us to a club. It was more like an apartment with GROs to talk with us. Its a norm in Jap business to entertain clients as such. It was not a pleasant experience, but it was a part of the culture we witnessed. Had white choc coated strawberries. And SS boasted to all that I was a singer before. Sigh.

Went back to hotel. Relieve. Saw "Regends of Rock" which played The Beatles to my sleep.

28 March, Friday

Morning train to Osaka. Had breakfast at train station - pumpkin salad and rolls. Went to Osaka YWCA college. My supposed 'interview'. The lady there only had to interview SS. I was to re-write my letter and re-fill application form. SS to take it back there in May. The place reeks of cold faith and icy old maids. Im scared.

Walked through the morning streets just about opening. What has opened, however, are the Pachinko shops. Scary too.

Went to electronic shop. Nine fucking floors of Jap technology. And we only had 30 fucking minutes. I-pod, buy or not to? Buy or not to? Please laugh - I bought headphones instead. Sigh.

Train back to Kobe. Stopped by for packed lunch. Settled for unagi and loads of fish roe. Gobbled through and prepared to go out for another meet.

Train to Furuno. Taxi ride, drive camera on board. Cute engineer guy at Furuno. Not such a wholesome meeting. But the cute guy was worth it. Camelias by the roadside. Sun was almost down. Train back to hotel.

Bus to town. Had Korean BBQ dinner. Kimchi was good. By the time we were done, the shops were all closed. Dashed were our hopes to go souvenir hunting. We thought shops were still open until 10 or 11, but at 9 everything was wrapped except game shops, cafes and clubs. SS wanted to take me out for Kobe jazz but En. Arif was not up to it. So, SS took us to game shop instead. The men played, and won me a stuffed rabbit doll. Went to pharmacy. Eye lash curlers as souvenirs. What to do..

Went back hotel. Went to Sky bar. Had kerepek pisang. Had chat then we all went back to room, waiting for the day we'd go back home. Tomorrow.

29 March, Saturday
All packed up. Bags were damn heavy. Took bus to Kansai airport. Slept on bus. Had breakfast at airport. Only after, we were unleashed to get what ever we could from the airport souvenir shops. At 12, SS left us and we went to check in.

We were almost late cause the queue was so long. En. Arif was quite upset cause he didnt manage to buy anything. He wanted to buy stuff after the immigration check in, but time didnt permit. Was quiet all the way back on the plane.

This time, I think, I could sleep. Watched a bit of a few movies, ate a lot JAL crackers, but missed out on the Hershey choc ice cream. Transit in Singapore. Bought perfume. Flight back to KL. Me and Kheng teamed up and selected few itsy bitsy items to give En. Arif's daughters. That was all we could do.

So, I guess that was it. It was not so exciting, but not so bland. Until now, I still don't quite get what I felt from that trip. But I feel a bit relieved that I got it all out here. And it's almost 2 am, and we've got swimming tomorrow morning.

Maybe I'll post more tomorrow then. :)

Of Leaving a Will

Not so sad, not so happy either. But almost on a right track. Not losing focus so much. Still a bit blur, but not depressed. Better, alhamdulilah.

So, it's a Friday. Got most work out of the way (unless related to contacting my clients), it's 8.00 pm after a heavy downpour, definitely congested, and thank God I'm just stealing some time to wait for tennis to come at 9.

I have been wanting to do this a long time. I did it before-on a piece of paper, which could tragically be in some long forgotten book. So, might as well have it here. It's a responsibility, regardless.

I was born on a Friday morning. And, according to most people (I'm not so sure about this), you would probably die on the same day you were born. So it's a Friday today. There's a possibility that I could die today. And my will says:

" I don't have much to leave. Virtually, nothing of real worldly value. What I have garnered in this (short, long? is relative) life is hoped to have been of good impact to others. As I am now unattached, my real commitment is my family. I put forth my parents and my siblings. My prayers everyday are dedicated to them. And though at times I may appear to be harsh, my intents are not so. So, I have only my love to pass on to them - for all of you, my dear family! (uncles, aunties, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandparents, the whole gang!)

Then I pray that when I go, they will love and say a prayer for me too.

I thank them for all the pictures they have carved in my memories, for giving me colours and hope and motivation to have lead a great life. And I hope to meet them again in the afterlife.

And to friends and acquaintances, you are always a part of me. Shaping and moulding the way I was. And I pray for the best always for you.

This is not a very good will, I am lost for words.

My point being, if I ever hurt anyone, owed anyone anything, please accept my sincerest apologies and (since I am still alive right now, I hope to repay any hutang!) And, (not that I'm anticipating) please don't weep. I don't think I've had any regrets living my life. Mistakes - yes, sins - yes, and I pray that to get God's forgiveness before He takes me. I may not live a full life (comparatively) but I lived it mine. And I have each of you to thank, forever, and love, forever.

My last goodbye. "

Of 1001 Things

So many things in my head. Feels like an overload, and slowly, very slowly, I'm beginning to lose it. I can't remember things. I feel dumb. I feel useless. I feel like I don't want to do this anymore.

Happy Note: Went white water kayaking last weekend in Jelebu, N9. Damn fun. Got scratches here and there - still got scars on my fingers from pushing a thorned branch which got in my way. Mama, Aleef, Ennie, Nish & Tisya were all there. Got capsized, accidentally gulped a bit of river water, lost & found shoe in riverbank mud but best of all, trying to dodge bamboo branches because we didn't know how to steer the kayak properly. Most of the time, it was just us sitting and waiting to crash into a tree or riverbank cause it was too hopeless or too much energy required to steer it away. It was all so funny! And worth it! And Subhanallah, the scenery was delectably serene. Imagine paddling away, pretending we were some tribal unit going hunting and bumping into (real indigenous) kids fishing by the river! Definitely priceless.

However, the funniest part of all is... It was all done where water conditions did not exceed chest level. When it was, we all had our life jackets. The most challenging part for me, personally is getting water OUT of the kayak after capsizing AT a rapid. Pergh. Imagine me trying to lift a kayak, plus loadful of H2O. Daunting task. By the end of day (and extended to the next) I had tough biceps. Yeah. Now it's all flabby again. Yeah.

Ladida... Fast forward. Today. Sleepy day. Dunno why. But I feel like going home now. I've got loads of stuff to do. But I can't. Below operational level mindset. Gotta go.

Of The Dreaded List

Hey! Notice the perky notation? Yup, feeling much, much, much better today. Starting to sit straight up again, just simply happier. I guess when you're at your lowest low, there's no other way else but up. So, yup, here we are again!

Of Delusions

Wow, looks like it has been more than a month.. this spell of unreadiness, of delusions, of demotivations and welcoming more, more!

How can one get so deranged, tumbling from one extreme to another with just a blink of an eye. If it were a superpower, I'd be like Mystique or ElastiGirl - changing my molecules every other minute or so. Difference is I'd be a villain... or am I already one?

This unpleasantness, that keeps growing by the day is self imposed. I see, i feel the readiness to be close to me but harshly reject it. Everywhere. All aspects. None left exempted. At the end of the day, I'm only left with loneliness and misery and echoes of it that just keeps bouncing off the walls of my head. I just hope I don't go crazy out of it. I pray not. Pray.

I'm tired, I'm sleeping more than required, I'm depressed and delusional. Or am I just an attention seeker? What is it? See? Echoes bouncing the walls. Change.

I need a change.

Of Uncertainties

Back to square one. Just one month ago I was happy, contented. This time around, it has turned 360 - full of uncertainties and chaos.

I feel so unhappy these days. Jenny's left. I haven't completed my last blog post (pending since 14 Dec). I've been single for almost four years. Idan's getting married. Everyone's getting married.

I've beeen accepted to UQ. My father's not giving me a single cent. And I've to come up with deposit worth 25K by next Monday. Not only that, he has also given me support by playing lazy to look up for documentations I need for loan application.

My mother insists on giving me money. All the time. I don't want to make her unhappy. But I always end up doing just that. My actions make me cry. I can't even think of what it does to her. If judgement day was up, I'd never even see the light of heaven. I don't want to take her money, I want to GIVE her money. For goodness sake, I'm 27. Still living under her roof, eating her food, being under her care - how else rotten could a daughter get? When she was my age, she had travelled the world, got settled down with two kids. To top it off, she was GIVING both her parents allowances. How did I get here?

I feel so sad.

Two days of pointless crying. I was just thinking yesterday - no other person breaks my heart more than my father. But then again, it could not be true. I break my own heart even more.

I haven't recited the Quran for a long time. Probably I miss it. Probably that's why I'm sad.

I do not have a new year resolution.

I have put on more weight.

I'll be going to Penang for two days tomorrow and JB the day after. So much pressure from work - with almost everyone knowing my intention to further studies. I just want to shout that my reason for leaving is almost because I can't take it anymore. I don't want to take it anymore.

God, why am I always not thankful for everything? Everything that you've given me? Some people don't even have enough to eat, to have a roof above their heads. I have a great family - forever indebted to Mama and Uncle, souls without a trace of badness in their veins, I pray for the very best for them. For tolerating me, and my selfishness. How did I get this selfishness? How did I get here?

How do I get out from here?

I feel so sad. How do I get out from here?