Of Uncertainties

Back to square one. Just one month ago I was happy, contented. This time around, it has turned 360 - full of uncertainties and chaos.

I feel so unhappy these days. Jenny's left. I haven't completed my last blog post (pending since 14 Dec). I've been single for almost four years. Idan's getting married. Everyone's getting married.

I've beeen accepted to UQ. My father's not giving me a single cent. And I've to come up with deposit worth 25K by next Monday. Not only that, he has also given me support by playing lazy to look up for documentations I need for loan application.

My mother insists on giving me money. All the time. I don't want to make her unhappy. But I always end up doing just that. My actions make me cry. I can't even think of what it does to her. If judgement day was up, I'd never even see the light of heaven. I don't want to take her money, I want to GIVE her money. For goodness sake, I'm 27. Still living under her roof, eating her food, being under her care - how else rotten could a daughter get? When she was my age, she had travelled the world, got settled down with two kids. To top it off, she was GIVING both her parents allowances. How did I get here?

I feel so sad.

Two days of pointless crying. I was just thinking yesterday - no other person breaks my heart more than my father. But then again, it could not be true. I break my own heart even more.

I haven't recited the Quran for a long time. Probably I miss it. Probably that's why I'm sad.

I do not have a new year resolution.

I have put on more weight.

I'll be going to Penang for two days tomorrow and JB the day after. So much pressure from work - with almost everyone knowing my intention to further studies. I just want to shout that my reason for leaving is almost because I can't take it anymore. I don't want to take it anymore.

God, why am I always not thankful for everything? Everything that you've given me? Some people don't even have enough to eat, to have a roof above their heads. I have a great family - forever indebted to Mama and Uncle, souls without a trace of badness in their veins, I pray for the very best for them. For tolerating me, and my selfishness. How did I get this selfishness? How did I get here?

How do I get out from here?

I feel so sad. How do I get out from here?