Of 1001 Things

So many things in my head. Feels like an overload, and slowly, very slowly, I'm beginning to lose it. I can't remember things. I feel dumb. I feel useless. I feel like I don't want to do this anymore.

Happy Note: Went white water kayaking last weekend in Jelebu, N9. Damn fun. Got scratches here and there - still got scars on my fingers from pushing a thorned branch which got in my way. Mama, Aleef, Ennie, Nish & Tisya were all there. Got capsized, accidentally gulped a bit of river water, lost & found shoe in riverbank mud but best of all, trying to dodge bamboo branches because we didn't know how to steer the kayak properly. Most of the time, it was just us sitting and waiting to crash into a tree or riverbank cause it was too hopeless or too much energy required to steer it away. It was all so funny! And worth it! And Subhanallah, the scenery was delectably serene. Imagine paddling away, pretending we were some tribal unit going hunting and bumping into (real indigenous) kids fishing by the river! Definitely priceless.

However, the funniest part of all is... It was all done where water conditions did not exceed chest level. When it was, we all had our life jackets. The most challenging part for me, personally is getting water OUT of the kayak after capsizing AT a rapid. Pergh. Imagine me trying to lift a kayak, plus loadful of H2O. Daunting task. By the end of day (and extended to the next) I had tough biceps. Yeah. Now it's all flabby again. Yeah.

Ladida... Fast forward. Today. Sleepy day. Dunno why. But I feel like going home now. I've got loads of stuff to do. But I can't. Below operational level mindset. Gotta go.

Of The Dreaded List

Hey! Notice the perky notation? Yup, feeling much, much, much better today. Starting to sit straight up again, just simply happier. I guess when you're at your lowest low, there's no other way else but up. So, yup, here we are again!

Of Delusions

Wow, looks like it has been more than a month.. this spell of unreadiness, of delusions, of demotivations and welcoming more, more!

How can one get so deranged, tumbling from one extreme to another with just a blink of an eye. If it were a superpower, I'd be like Mystique or ElastiGirl - changing my molecules every other minute or so. Difference is I'd be a villain... or am I already one?

This unpleasantness, that keeps growing by the day is self imposed. I see, i feel the readiness to be close to me but harshly reject it. Everywhere. All aspects. None left exempted. At the end of the day, I'm only left with loneliness and misery and echoes of it that just keeps bouncing off the walls of my head. I just hope I don't go crazy out of it. I pray not. Pray.

I'm tired, I'm sleeping more than required, I'm depressed and delusional. Or am I just an attention seeker? What is it? See? Echoes bouncing the walls. Change.

I need a change.