Of 1001 Things

So many things in my head. Feels like an overload, and slowly, very slowly, I'm beginning to lose it. I can't remember things. I feel dumb. I feel useless. I feel like I don't want to do this anymore.

Happy Note: Went white water kayaking last weekend in Jelebu, N9. Damn fun. Got scratches here and there - still got scars on my fingers from pushing a thorned branch which got in my way. Mama, Aleef, Ennie, Nish & Tisya were all there. Got capsized, accidentally gulped a bit of river water, lost & found shoe in riverbank mud but best of all, trying to dodge bamboo branches because we didn't know how to steer the kayak properly. Most of the time, it was just us sitting and waiting to crash into a tree or riverbank cause it was too hopeless or too much energy required to steer it away. It was all so funny! And worth it! And Subhanallah, the scenery was delectably serene. Imagine paddling away, pretending we were some tribal unit going hunting and bumping into (real indigenous) kids fishing by the river! Definitely priceless.

However, the funniest part of all is... It was all done where water conditions did not exceed chest level. When it was, we all had our life jackets. The most challenging part for me, personally is getting water OUT of the kayak after capsizing AT a rapid. Pergh. Imagine me trying to lift a kayak, plus loadful of H2O. Daunting task. By the end of day (and extended to the next) I had tough biceps. Yeah. Now it's all flabby again. Yeah.

Ladida... Fast forward. Today. Sleepy day. Dunno why. But I feel like going home now. I've got loads of stuff to do. But I can't. Below operational level mindset. Gotta go.

Of The Dreaded List

Hey! Notice the perky notation? Yup, feeling much, much, much better today. Starting to sit straight up again, just simply happier. I guess when you're at your lowest low, there's no other way else but up. So, yup, here we are again!

Of Delusions

Wow, looks like it has been more than a month.. this spell of unreadiness, of delusions, of demotivations and welcoming more, more!

How can one get so deranged, tumbling from one extreme to another with just a blink of an eye. If it were a superpower, I'd be like Mystique or ElastiGirl - changing my molecules every other minute or so. Difference is I'd be a villain... or am I already one?

This unpleasantness, that keeps growing by the day is self imposed. I see, i feel the readiness to be close to me but harshly reject it. Everywhere. All aspects. None left exempted. At the end of the day, I'm only left with loneliness and misery and echoes of it that just keeps bouncing off the walls of my head. I just hope I don't go crazy out of it. I pray not. Pray.

I'm tired, I'm sleeping more than required, I'm depressed and delusional. Or am I just an attention seeker? What is it? See? Echoes bouncing the walls. Change.

I need a change.

Of Uncertainties

Back to square one. Just one month ago I was happy, contented. This time around, it has turned 360 - full of uncertainties and chaos.

I feel so unhappy these days. Jenny's left. I haven't completed my last blog post (pending since 14 Dec). I've been single for almost four years. Idan's getting married. Everyone's getting married.

I've beeen accepted to UQ. My father's not giving me a single cent. And I've to come up with deposit worth 25K by next Monday. Not only that, he has also given me support by playing lazy to look up for documentations I need for loan application.

My mother insists on giving me money. All the time. I don't want to make her unhappy. But I always end up doing just that. My actions make me cry. I can't even think of what it does to her. If judgement day was up, I'd never even see the light of heaven. I don't want to take her money, I want to GIVE her money. For goodness sake, I'm 27. Still living under her roof, eating her food, being under her care - how else rotten could a daughter get? When she was my age, she had travelled the world, got settled down with two kids. To top it off, she was GIVING both her parents allowances. How did I get here?

I feel so sad.

Two days of pointless crying. I was just thinking yesterday - no other person breaks my heart more than my father. But then again, it could not be true. I break my own heart even more.

I haven't recited the Quran for a long time. Probably I miss it. Probably that's why I'm sad.

I do not have a new year resolution.

I have put on more weight.

I'll be going to Penang for two days tomorrow and JB the day after. So much pressure from work - with almost everyone knowing my intention to further studies. I just want to shout that my reason for leaving is almost because I can't take it anymore. I don't want to take it anymore.

God, why am I always not thankful for everything? Everything that you've given me? Some people don't even have enough to eat, to have a roof above their heads. I have a great family - forever indebted to Mama and Uncle, souls without a trace of badness in their veins, I pray for the very best for them. For tolerating me, and my selfishness. How did I get this selfishness? How did I get here?

How do I get out from here?

I feel so sad. How do I get out from here?

Of Maximizing Capacity

Gosh! Another year ending... it's a cliche, but yes - time flies! Haven't had the opportunity to write for almost three months now, and a lot has happened.. Wonder if I can recap. Nonetheless, let's try...


I'll just go through the highlights, though:


1. Clarins Matte Challenge


Ennie registered ourselves for an online contest.. and out of approximately few hundred teams (of around 2000 applicants), our team managed to get the top eight spot. Out of luck. Our team was actually placed ninth, but one team dropped out and we were slotted in.


So, the deal was the final round was to be a physical challenge. The five of us (three are Ennie's colleagues) were asked to show at Camp 5, OU. Wild guess? No need. It was rock climbing. Woohoo.


And of anticipation? The top four teams would individually receive an Acer laptop, Samsung handphone and Clarins product. Not so tough, we thought. Had our hopes high, of course!


Yeah, it was super cool. First time roughing the six metre wall was surprisingly scary! We first practiced how to spot and fall, then when Ijay went all the way up, we naturally wanted to follow. But when I got in the middle, it was like, shit, it's to high to fall down but I'm not sure whether I can go all the way up now!! What do I do? Panic! Panic! Panic!


Thus, opting not to risk a fall from such a high spot.. the only way out was UP. So, up I went, with Ennie and Kah Peng... and the exhilaration from achieving that? Priceless.


Now back to the challenge. Our team had to complete bouldering, monkey bar rope and the six metre wall within a limited time frame. At the same time, we had to carry along three items consisting of a handphone and some Clarins product. So, this is where all the fun was. We were all gushing and pushing and shouting to each other and just went headfirst for everything! Unfortunately, we dropped one item and our time was cut down one minute. Ennie and Kah Peng, unfortunately, didn't get to finish the relay.


Torn between going on the second round to attending my Kualiti Alam presentation, I wasn't quite sure what I was hoping for! I took half day leave to attend this event, and my half day was almost up. So, a part of me was almost praying that we didn't get the top four placing, but the other half was crying out for that free laptop!


In the end? We got fifth place. No laptops or handphones. We were disappointed, of course. Majorly because three out of the four top teams consisted of all male teams. And, because we knew we were quite good compared to the rest.


Overall? I was super contented! Not only I got a 'Check' under my 'To Do' list, I gained a lot of self confidence from the activity. My Kualiti Alam presentation (not to toot my own horn) was a bomb! (toot). Plus, there were a lot of eye-candies at Camp 5.. hehehe.. that made my day. Owh, plus, I was kind of tipsy that day because I couldn't sleep the night before. That made it more meaningful cause I achieved good things on that particular day!


2. UQ Scholarship Application


Boss cut out the article for me. UQ is in Australia and they were offering 100% tuition fees scholarship. I was running up and down to IDP for this one. Gathered referee letters and such and wrote some lame (but hoping not!) self-statement. Praying hard I'll get this one.


3. IELTS Exams


Part of the package for applications abroad. Was burnt out from too much travel and too much on my mind. Added with splashes of dysmenorrhea. Had horrible eyebags, body aches from tennis the night before and DID NOT study! Then, for my writing assignment? I definitely wrote outside the topic.


Praying hard (still) that I'll get at least 7.0!


4. MACP


Okay, contacted MACP, turns out that they still keep a portion for uncollected claims. Pheww.


Trick - had to get authorization letter from publisher. Translation? Boon Tan. Big sigh.


Shoot, I think I gotta leave now.. Sambung laters!





Hahaha.. so much about continuing later..! That was last year.. on 14 December, to be exact. Today's already 7 Jan.. but still holding much to the tag that time flies rapidly. It's a Monday - the first day without Jenny around and (surprisingly?) I'm in the office alone. Everyone's sort of dissolved and left me to meddle with my own thoughts...



Well, more to add to the titles below (and updates for the above).


5. KIOKU Family Day

Sunday, 2 December 2007, Taman Tasik Titiwangsa



Thank you to (in no particular order): Mr. Chris, Ms. Mala, Aunt Shan, Renny, Ennie, June (and her two cousins and friends), Jana, Saiful, Nayna, Diyana & Aina, Akmar, Mazlina & Mazlita, Didi, Kak Nora & sister, En. Arif, Kak Lin & girls, Dato' Ikhwan (for agreeing to sponsor two days before the event!).



KIOKU stands for Pusat Interaksi Latihan Orang Kurang Upaya (http://www.kioku-malaysia.com/). We first came in contact from helping Kak Ras during a paintball event with the disabled. Then, Mr. Chris Dass, the chairman, called us to help out for their International Disabled Day which will be centered on the Family Day too.

The task?

Help promote the event by selling out coupons to public - their interest is to get the public to mingle with the disabled.

Also, to get sponsorship. And, help run the show- wherever is required.

The reward?

Priceless.

Achieving my goal to do charity work - done! Those were few hectic weeks- finding enough manpower to volunteer was challenging (well done, anti-social!). But Alhamdulilah, on the eleventh hour, friends came up and helped out and these are some of the kindest people I know.

6. Travelling around the country for work

Let me see.. Various locations.. I think the buzz started with the trip down south to Melaka and Skudai. In November, we practically went to different states each week! Langkawi, Kuantan, Terengganu, KK then back to Johor.



KK was interesting. First, it was a first for Eve travelling to the state of Sabah. Quoting her to summarise the trip - "Feels like Amazing Race..."



It began even in KL, after breakfast we took our time walking to the departure hall. I sensed that something was not right when I didn't see any one at the hall. So, I ran to the check in counter - "Sorry, your flight has left. Where did you all go? I paged you three times to board!" was the reply we got to confirm our grief stricken faces.



Shit, shit and shit. So what do we do? What? How? How? This was on company's expense and I had wanted to have breakfast first, and I had wanted to have a smoke first. Big shit. Imagine the things running through my head.



Please, please, how do we get there in time?! *walkie-talkie buzzing*



Okay, Capt said okay..! Go, go, go! *grumble and hissing and grumble and sighs of relief*



So the gate opens, and out we ran. Kent was the only one keeping a cool head at this time. Either he hasn't sunk it in or he was really playing it cool.



Both Eve's and my heart were palpitating like it was going to pop out anytime. It was a mixture of panic which hasn't ended with the biggest relieve ever added with a punch having to speed on the runway - on the designated tracks, not forgetting getting hisses from the airport crew. Big whew, big THANK GOD and off we went. Love, love, love the feeling of floating of the runway.



Ok, we got to KK in one piece. All of us.



So, usual stuff.. Check in first- we had some leeway for us to relax first (after such an exciting morning). Contact car rental, prepare stuff, makan, did presentation, etc.



Our rented car - a piece of scrap metal running on wheels which had hot air for air-conditioning and sounded as if the engine was going to drop everytime it was switched on. Regardless, it was this "thing" on wheels that got us around, and allowed me to speed like hell the next day. Another race to the airport.



Yup, it felt like a video game, running on emergency lanes, whizzing in and out of traffic the next evening after we had done a trial unit installation. The installation was successful - with Kent's personal best of 20 mins - but our efforts to catch our flight in time was vain. We missed it - got scolding (again) from check in personnel - but (another) big THANK GOD for credit card and cancelled booking tickets.



Swiping about RM1000+, we managed to haul our asses out of Sabah that night on the last flight back to KL. Dear God, only You would know how thankful I was that night!



Now, continuing updates from tags above:

UQ Scholarship - I didn't get it. But I'm supposed to know by today whether my application to UQ is accepted.



IELTS - Alhamdulilah! Surpassed my expectations.. Got 8.0!



MACP - Got the letter from Boon Tan. Contacted MACP. Received new registration forms and docs. Pending to send back.



And, continuing more...



7. Sampras vs Federer

22 November 2007, Stadium Malawati Shah Alam, 8.30 pm



Me and Ennie each spent RM 83 to go catch these two heroes. Feeling during the event - hungry and tired. Even before Ennie picked me up from home I was purging. Don't know why. I had lunch - just bread but usually it was enough. So, I smoked to surpress the hunger. Didn't work - didn't even finish a stick.



So, yeah.. the event itself.. Federer won by small margin 7-6, 7-6 (i think.. can't recall hehehe). He was the one with more supporters but Sampras, eventually won the audience hearts simply by being funny and entertaining. When it first started, it just hit me and Ennie that this match could be a rehearsed one- since it IS for entertainment purposes. Luckily we didn't get the more expensive tickets! Ha!



We also thought that the ambience would not be the same if it were a real match. There was no real tension, no real excitement. But just to be there, live, and seeing with our own eyes two legends that would not possibly be in the same court at any near point for a REAL match.



All the while, I was holding my breath - not out of suspense of where the ball would go next - but of withstanding smells received around me. You got it - I was nauseous all the time and my tummy was doing its own jig along side Federer-Sampras. Oh, I was rooting for the elder, mind you and Ennie the opponent. When we exited the stadium and walking on the grass, Ennie checked on me, and I said I couldn't stand the smell of the grass.



I was not joking. I barfed on the spot. Yes, with people walking out all around me. One even went, "Yuck!" Hahaha. They must have thought that I was drunk when in reality I've never taken a single sip! Ennie was panicking, rubbing my back to get it all out.



Oooohhh.. but the relieve after the magnificent barf! Gosh! Unbelievable! I felt a bit light-headed but up to the spirit for more snappies with Ennie around Federer-Sampras posters! And, I guess it was the momentum I was in that time (KIOKU, work,etc) I didn't fall sick at all and proceeded with work seperti biasa the next day ;)

The date today? February 8th - second day of Chinese New Year.. Didn't expect this entry would take so long! It's like writing a short story? Or a novel?

Well, things have certainly looked different the past month. I've been on a personal high to almost a lowest low. The past week especially... I even took half day off earlier this week. Remember the stomach cramp I got during a bio paper when I was a student before? It came back. Unidentified source. But I got diarrheoa to compliment the doctor's stupid testimony. He didn't even check me properly.

So yeah, the diagnosis was I was down with "colic pain" or mengulas he said in BM. Damn ass stupid doctor. It's memulas, I told him. But nooooooooooo... my BM was not as good as his and it isn't even his native language. It's the worse WHATEVER case to dismiss, but then again his the STUPID DOCTOR. And who am I?

Which brings us back to the ultimate quarter-life-crisis question. Who am I?

This week, was also disastrous PMS week. Deserted my supplements. Curled up in bed wishing that I was numb (which I am today, now, having my limbs inactive for ONE WEEK!) and my brain too. Speech slurred, thoughts unorganized, bedroom a total mess (and not caring much about it) AND rejection. Rejection of the closest people to me.

Yes, I am admitting this openly. I was trying avoid Renny and Mama this past week.

I felt so depressed with everything. Like I'm in a bubble and I just wanted everyone to leave me be. Don't talk to me, don't even ask how I am, and if you do I'll shoot you daggers.

It's not just at home. It was at the office. It was with friends, if I still have any left. It was everywhere.

I was just watching TV, and reading fiction just to escape into another world.

The real world I was living in, I MYSELF made a living hell off. All by myself.

If only I'd applied the same determination for good cause.

I'd speak to God, but with half heartedness. I've left all my Arabic lessons the past week. My handbag's a waste paper basket. Got my ledgers tucked with spiderwebs in one corner of this unhealthy mind. The body's following suit. Dry skin, chapped lips, losing hair like crazy, dreary eyes, sore joints, shoulder and back aches.

I sound like a 60-year old.

And the below updates? Just not for me today.

But you know what? I went out with a couple of friends yesterday (bless their hearts for still sticking around with me) and it kinda cheered me up. Maybe it was too much steam I was trying handle all by myself.

Even had dinner with Nishnosh and Tisya and had a great time. It was all not so difficult at all. I was just being difficult to myself. Am I natural attention seeker and too egoistic to admit it? That I am nothing special really, and too egoistic to admit it? Too egoistic? Righteous prick rings a bell.

Regardless, today I feel much better - although I woke up at 11.30 in the morn! I watched TV with Mama and was picking up calls from Renny. I feel better. Alhamdulilah I feel better!

Not as hyped up as I want to be, room's still a mess, handbag's still thrashy but hey, I'm here.. blogging and blowing off a little more steam, making a little more room in my head and spring cleaning everything back to where it's supposed to be.

I need to get up, UP! Got a presentation at Johor Port next week and I need to be in top form. If not for anyone, then just for myself. So that I'd be making everyone else happy. OK?

Just make yourself happy, then you can give out happiness. Don't expect anyone to give it to you. OK?

Don't expect anyone to give anything to you.

By the way, I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's yesterday. Golly, oh golly, am I Holly Golightly!

So, yes, Go Lightly. And SMILE.

P/S: See how my thoughts aren't organized? Slowly but surely, I'll get my top form back! Soon! xoxo

8. Weddings

23 December 2007 - Ennie & Ally

25 December 2007 - Anas & Aini



9. Jenny's Departure



10. Pretty Parties



11. Baby Medina

Of Birthdays

Another day to thank Allah for the blessings that He's given. And, it's my birthday!

Nadia T wished me happy 5th anniversary of my 21st birthday and I told her it was the most accurate wish so far! Made me smile. And Papa, quoted one of my most favorite quotes (I found it last few years) "Happiness is wanting what you have". I even edited this quote to another favorite - a picture of an old couple, sitting on a bench watching people go by on a street and they had their arms around each other. How lucky to be growing old together and still be in love!

It's been a great day so far, well wishes from friends and family... I didn't think so many people remembered it! Even at work, Thana has been motioning it since last week.. It's an ordinary day - I'm at work, it's lunch hour - but it's fasting month. The month to accumulate extra points! (and to bear in mind - easy come, easy go) And in 3 weeks' time - it'll be Raya again. Without Faheem this time around. Our first family member absent. Hope he'll be doing fine come the day.

Oh, I was so bored the other day - I googled myself. And guess what I found:

http://www.fazrestaurants.com/

Beautiful restaurants located in San Francisco by Faz Poursohi. Cool kan? They even have specialty promegranate product line and candied pomelos! Love, love, love! One day I'm gonna have to go there.

Ooh, and I have to post one reminder - the thing that I've always longed to do on my birthday, is to plant a tree. Thought it was gonna be last year (25 on 25) but didn't happen. Wonder if it'll be executed this year? I think I wanna it to be a pokok kenanga, or bunga tanjung. Or perhaps a fruit tree? Something exotic like... uhmm.. got it - the fruit my mom always told about when I was schooling in Muar. Some sort of buttery tasting fruit but with horrendous fur that makes you itch like crazy. Hmm.. I'll ask her later today. Oh, we're going for dinner and tell about it more soon! Laters! (gotta search for a tree now)

Of The Beginning of Fasting

Nope, I am not using the name of the person who's named after the fasting month. Case closed.

Anyways, yesterday was my first day of fasting - exactly one week delayed from the rest of my fellow Muslims. Not on purpose, simply biological. And this year, I feel good and actually anticipating to perform fasting. My aim is for cleansing! Cleansing of mind, heart and of course the digestive system.

To begin my day yesterday, got a text early in the morning from Ms. Oon, my piano teacher. And, guess what? I passed my Grade 6 at 117! Alhamdulilah! Well, it was just a pass, but that was all I aimed for. Close to merit, though - only 3 points away. And distinction is at 130. Regardless, after reading the text I was smiling like a clam - ALL the way to work.

And tonight, will be breaking fast with Ajeep and Am at Bora Ombak. Tried scouting other places for makan, cause I'm not fancying buffets this year, and found few interesting places that should be checked out in future:

1. Izzi KL - in Jln Sultan Ismail near Bukit Bintang
http://www.izzikl.com/press_det.php?id=2

2. Ciccio Pasticcio Bar & Pizzeria - Changkat Bukit Bintang
http://food.malaysiamostwanted.com/venues/ciccio-pasticcio-bar-changkat-bukit-bintang-kl

3. Bistro de Paris - Jln P. Ramlee

4. Little Bali - Desa Hartamas

Oooh.. and this year, our company buka puasa will be in Shang! Hehe.. nice change from Nikko or Prince. Looking forward to it, definitely.

Laters!