Of Emotions

May, 2008 - The Month of Emotions

A lot of mixed feelings the past few weeks. Newborns, deaths, marriage, heartbreakes, crushes, you name it we got it.

We've got friends delivering happy news of starting a new life, be it a new partner or addition to the family. Always makes me wonder when I'll be given the opportunity to start mine.

And today, I suddenly feel overwhelmed with a crushy feeling. It's totally absurd but I can't help it. It's inducing a lot of endorphins. Maybe because I'm lagged of sleep. Or maybe a little tired. Or maybe adjusting to the fact that my work load is not so loading.

Then, I was thinking about Papa and Aunty. The drama episode that got us all angered and disapppointed, and provoked our female tear-glands. Oh, my composition is so cold and unstructured.

All these in between sudden news of the departed loved ones. Makes us reflect on how Allah works His ways to wake us up when we're busy chasing worldly matters.

Today is a Friday, the day I was born and possibly the day I will die.

Before I do, I really hope I will get the chance to raise a family, if not for long, but enough to let my parents see their grandchildren, and enough for me to know that I can raise my children at least half as good as my parents raised us.

Everyday has been a mixture of feeling like a child, like a teenager, like a parent, like an elderly and I am so thankful to be able to taste if not much, a bit of all this.

And, yes, I have crushes. :)

Of A Reminder

Ilham - Do Al-Quran translation for kids!

Of Sakura Season

Hey! That's a note going high, mind you.

Who would have guessed - that I'd be saying that I've just gotten back from Tokyo, Kobe and Osaka? No one!

Well, blessings, blessings, blessings just come rolling in when you least expect it eh?

It was for work, and had to go with Suzuki-san, En. Arif and Kheng - don't want to complain cause at least I got to go to the land of the rising sun, eh! The bonus was - SAKURA SEASON! We were lucky to have gone at a time it was just about blossoming - and it is known that the cherry blossoms only show their beauty for a short period. A metaphore the Japs use to compare with female beauty. Short lived, so enjoy it while you can!

So here goes, our chronicles through the short (but memorable) 5-day trip...

24 March 2008


Still had to come to office to prepare the items to be brought to Japan.

Left at about 3pm - brought Kheng home (Kota Damansara).

Mama sent us to airport at about 7.30pm.

Boarded JAL about 11pm, couldn't sleep the whole trip. Well, managed to catch only a few winks and the rest of the time was like... blink.blink.blink. Was trying too hard maybe, because the next day we had a meeting and I was supposed to present! Sigh.

Makan nasi with fish ala-jepun-with fruits and yoghurt for dessert. It rhymes!

Loved the JAL crackers. Funny smelling but addictive.


25 March 2008

Arrived at Narita Airport, approximately 6.30 am (KL) 7.30 am (Tokyo). Had a hard time with a-so-heavy hand luggage sebab ada laptop in it. And a much heavier pull-luggage. Envied those Japs with their oh-so-small-chic-four-wheeled-colorful-luggages. Its amazing how these people pack!

Before me and En. Arif had the opportunity to dash for a quick ciggie, we were spotted by the fresh faced Suzuki. "Welcome to Japan!" All smiles.

Had a quick coffee before we spiraled our way down to wait for the train to town. Took about an hour, if I remember correctly. I gave myself about 10 minutes to simmer the view of morning mist surrounding the outskirt township before dozing off all the way. Penat.

Change trains. Suzuki was as confused as we were. He's not familiar with Tokyo.

Change trains again. Then we're in Shinagawa. Cool breeze greeted as we exited the escalator. And across the road was Hearton Hotel, Shinagawa.

First sighting of white cherry blossom. Three trees. All white. Kawaii!

Parked our bags in ss's room before heading out to train station again. To Shinjuku.

Didn't get to go to Harajuku, ss unsure of the way. But we went to Takano- famous fruit parlour. Had strawberry parfait that costed RM60! But it was super-delicious. It'd be super-duper delicious if only I could eat ice-cream :(

Then, walked to Isetan. Caught display of new Jaguar. Saw white Bentley. Took pictures of flowers on the roadside, pansies and daisies mostly. I love spring.

Went back to Shinagawa. Walked to Jusco. Bought packed lunch. Taco tao and tempura.

To hotel, checked in, took shower, prayed, didn't get to eat, headed out to KYB.

KYB

Took a taxi (with a drive recorder installed!) and took picture. People on overhead bridge crossing. Massive volume. All dressed in black.

Arrived at World Trade Center. KYB on 12 Floor. Aoki-san greeted us.

Later joined by massive team - Dr. Inoue, Murase, Fukuda, Yagi and Stephanie.

I presented our solution. Discussion on future product and possible partnership.

KYB requested discussion to be continued the next day. Adjourned. We were left to wait in meeting room.

Looked outside window. Saw a big ferris wheel. Below was the bullet train station. A park with blooms.

Walked to a restaurant nearby. Didn't catch the name. Small and cosy and had water feature. Had a cubicle.

Dinner started off with snail, baby squid and fish jelly. Had sashimi. And pan-fried fish. Soba and udon. Black sugar cane jelly - my favourite! Group photo.

Took a taxi back to the hotel. Had a ciggie. Called the night off.



26 March 2008

Woke up at 6 but it was too late to catch Subuh. The sun was already high up.

Took time to shower. Enjoyed the warm, automatic bidet toilet seat. Nice smelling Shiseido body wash.

Had overnight-untouched-taco taos. Still tasted swell although I sorta gulped cause I thought we were running late. Went downstairs and ss was already waiting.

Crossed the road. Sakura bloom progresses on 3 trees. Took train heading out to Yokohama. More sakura sightings along the way. Orange trees in full fruit. White, light and dark pink sakuras. Love!

Arrived in Yamato for KYB factory visit. Across the station saw a florist. Very nice but didnt get to stop by. Took cab to KYB plant.

Sakura lined along the streets. Videod them.

Meeting and assembly line visit. More discussions. Getting sleepy. Went to assembly line. Saw where the test stabilizers for Shinkanzen (bullet train). Took more pictures. Adjourn. Took cab back to train station.

Back to hotel. Relax a tiny weeny bit before heading out again. Sakura progresses still. Nice.

Train to Shibuya. Ahhh.. the real buzz. Neons and frantic and fashionable fashionistas and jammed up road crossings. Refer: Tokyo Drift. Been there! Been there!

Had tempura for lunch. Nice. Went to Shibuya 109. Whole 9 storeys of clothes, shoes, bags, you-name-it-we-got-it fashion store. Only had half an hour to scout = no time! Thank god the items were quite pricy to turn us off. Spent some time at 'smorking' area. Heh.

Headed back to Tokyo. Kuwahara was waiting for us. The train station with many, many, many, many, fast-walking, black-suited working Japs. Shinagawa station? Uhmm... dunno the name. Sometimes, it's too confusing coz everything's in their language.

Had coffee at NYK cafe. Nice toilet, with perfume and sound panel on toilet seat.

Had dinner at Hokkaido restaurant. Kuwahara, Sasaki and Akama. Sashimi - sea urchin, jelly octopus, jelly fish, scallop simmered in butter, miso soup, which lasted us about 3 hours. Pumpkin pudding. Love their desserts, I tell you!

Went to Tokyo Tower. Sasaki got us girls phone accessories, the dangle2 ones? Yup. Super kawaii. Took vids and pics.

Went to Ginza. Saw Sony building. Tulips by the roadside.

Ok.. continuation from this point on could be a bit lagging. The lines above were written about a month ago! The trip was almost two months back. Here I am, May 17, 1.30 am at home, on a Saturday, forcing myself not to sleep cause its a long weekend, and brain-dead.

Sigh. Let's pray we remember. Here goes.

Tokyo Tower, Ginza, after the sightseeing, we went back to the hotel via train. The night was not so cold, but I was dying for a cig. Hmmm.. What did we do that night.. Packed up I guess. Then went to sleep.

27 March, Thursday
Morning meeting at Drive Camera. Took cab, enjoyed the morning view of the metropolis starting to buzz. Walked passed a park, full of sakura trees at medium bloom. Black suits with ciggies before work starts.

The office was small and hectic. I did presentation and SS translated. We were in casual clothes. Tuna sandwich and coffee for breakfast on meeting table. Long Q&A session cause it had to be translated to Chinese to Kheng then English to me. When it was all done, we took cab to Tokyo Station. Put our bags in locker then walked to Imperial Palace Garden. Very beautiful. Sakura in full bloom. Weather was not so cold. I noticed that the traffic didn't make any noise. Very sound environment friendly.

Then walked back to building at Tokyo station. Had lunch at soba place. Had tempura soba. Touched cherry blossom. Said our goodbyes to Kuwahara and Akama.

Shinkansen to Osaka. Saw Mt Fuji. But not its snow capped top. The weather was quite cloudy and could only catch a fragment of it. But I saw it, nonetheless.

Two hour train ride. Switched to the new series, N700 which brought us to "Old Osaka". Took cab, headed to Kobe Meriken Park. Very, very, very nice hotel. Each of us got our own room. With our balcony. Facing Kobe Port Tower, and Kobe hills and the marine park. Had a few minutes to freshen up then went out for dinner.

Took bus to Kobe town. Went to Sogo. Bought few cookies as souvenirs. Met Hasegawa san for dinner. Tempura set. Very brief dinner.

Heard jazz baskers opposite the complex. Walked the town. Hasegawa entertained us to a club. It was more like an apartment with GROs to talk with us. Its a norm in Jap business to entertain clients as such. It was not a pleasant experience, but it was a part of the culture we witnessed. Had white choc coated strawberries. And SS boasted to all that I was a singer before. Sigh.

Went back to hotel. Relieve. Saw "Regends of Rock" which played The Beatles to my sleep.

28 March, Friday

Morning train to Osaka. Had breakfast at train station - pumpkin salad and rolls. Went to Osaka YWCA college. My supposed 'interview'. The lady there only had to interview SS. I was to re-write my letter and re-fill application form. SS to take it back there in May. The place reeks of cold faith and icy old maids. Im scared.

Walked through the morning streets just about opening. What has opened, however, are the Pachinko shops. Scary too.

Went to electronic shop. Nine fucking floors of Jap technology. And we only had 30 fucking minutes. I-pod, buy or not to? Buy or not to? Please laugh - I bought headphones instead. Sigh.

Train back to Kobe. Stopped by for packed lunch. Settled for unagi and loads of fish roe. Gobbled through and prepared to go out for another meet.

Train to Furuno. Taxi ride, drive camera on board. Cute engineer guy at Furuno. Not such a wholesome meeting. But the cute guy was worth it. Camelias by the roadside. Sun was almost down. Train back to hotel.

Bus to town. Had Korean BBQ dinner. Kimchi was good. By the time we were done, the shops were all closed. Dashed were our hopes to go souvenir hunting. We thought shops were still open until 10 or 11, but at 9 everything was wrapped except game shops, cafes and clubs. SS wanted to take me out for Kobe jazz but En. Arif was not up to it. So, SS took us to game shop instead. The men played, and won me a stuffed rabbit doll. Went to pharmacy. Eye lash curlers as souvenirs. What to do..

Went back hotel. Went to Sky bar. Had kerepek pisang. Had chat then we all went back to room, waiting for the day we'd go back home. Tomorrow.

29 March, Saturday
All packed up. Bags were damn heavy. Took bus to Kansai airport. Slept on bus. Had breakfast at airport. Only after, we were unleashed to get what ever we could from the airport souvenir shops. At 12, SS left us and we went to check in.

We were almost late cause the queue was so long. En. Arif was quite upset cause he didnt manage to buy anything. He wanted to buy stuff after the immigration check in, but time didnt permit. Was quiet all the way back on the plane.

This time, I think, I could sleep. Watched a bit of a few movies, ate a lot JAL crackers, but missed out on the Hershey choc ice cream. Transit in Singapore. Bought perfume. Flight back to KL. Me and Kheng teamed up and selected few itsy bitsy items to give En. Arif's daughters. That was all we could do.

So, I guess that was it. It was not so exciting, but not so bland. Until now, I still don't quite get what I felt from that trip. But I feel a bit relieved that I got it all out here. And it's almost 2 am, and we've got swimming tomorrow morning.

Maybe I'll post more tomorrow then. :)

Of Leaving a Will

Not so sad, not so happy either. But almost on a right track. Not losing focus so much. Still a bit blur, but not depressed. Better, alhamdulilah.

So, it's a Friday. Got most work out of the way (unless related to contacting my clients), it's 8.00 pm after a heavy downpour, definitely congested, and thank God I'm just stealing some time to wait for tennis to come at 9.

I have been wanting to do this a long time. I did it before-on a piece of paper, which could tragically be in some long forgotten book. So, might as well have it here. It's a responsibility, regardless.

I was born on a Friday morning. And, according to most people (I'm not so sure about this), you would probably die on the same day you were born. So it's a Friday today. There's a possibility that I could die today. And my will says:

" I don't have much to leave. Virtually, nothing of real worldly value. What I have garnered in this (short, long? is relative) life is hoped to have been of good impact to others. As I am now unattached, my real commitment is my family. I put forth my parents and my siblings. My prayers everyday are dedicated to them. And though at times I may appear to be harsh, my intents are not so. So, I have only my love to pass on to them - for all of you, my dear family! (uncles, aunties, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandparents, the whole gang!)

Then I pray that when I go, they will love and say a prayer for me too.

I thank them for all the pictures they have carved in my memories, for giving me colours and hope and motivation to have lead a great life. And I hope to meet them again in the afterlife.

And to friends and acquaintances, you are always a part of me. Shaping and moulding the way I was. And I pray for the best always for you.

This is not a very good will, I am lost for words.

My point being, if I ever hurt anyone, owed anyone anything, please accept my sincerest apologies and (since I am still alive right now, I hope to repay any hutang!) And, (not that I'm anticipating) please don't weep. I don't think I've had any regrets living my life. Mistakes - yes, sins - yes, and I pray that to get God's forgiveness before He takes me. I may not live a full life (comparatively) but I lived it mine. And I have each of you to thank, forever, and love, forever.

My last goodbye. "

Of 1001 Things

So many things in my head. Feels like an overload, and slowly, very slowly, I'm beginning to lose it. I can't remember things. I feel dumb. I feel useless. I feel like I don't want to do this anymore.

Happy Note: Went white water kayaking last weekend in Jelebu, N9. Damn fun. Got scratches here and there - still got scars on my fingers from pushing a thorned branch which got in my way. Mama, Aleef, Ennie, Nish & Tisya were all there. Got capsized, accidentally gulped a bit of river water, lost & found shoe in riverbank mud but best of all, trying to dodge bamboo branches because we didn't know how to steer the kayak properly. Most of the time, it was just us sitting and waiting to crash into a tree or riverbank cause it was too hopeless or too much energy required to steer it away. It was all so funny! And worth it! And Subhanallah, the scenery was delectably serene. Imagine paddling away, pretending we were some tribal unit going hunting and bumping into (real indigenous) kids fishing by the river! Definitely priceless.

However, the funniest part of all is... It was all done where water conditions did not exceed chest level. When it was, we all had our life jackets. The most challenging part for me, personally is getting water OUT of the kayak after capsizing AT a rapid. Pergh. Imagine me trying to lift a kayak, plus loadful of H2O. Daunting task. By the end of day (and extended to the next) I had tough biceps. Yeah. Now it's all flabby again. Yeah.

Ladida... Fast forward. Today. Sleepy day. Dunno why. But I feel like going home now. I've got loads of stuff to do. But I can't. Below operational level mindset. Gotta go.

Of The Dreaded List

Hey! Notice the perky notation? Yup, feeling much, much, much better today. Starting to sit straight up again, just simply happier. I guess when you're at your lowest low, there's no other way else but up. So, yup, here we are again!

Of Delusions

Wow, looks like it has been more than a month.. this spell of unreadiness, of delusions, of demotivations and welcoming more, more!

How can one get so deranged, tumbling from one extreme to another with just a blink of an eye. If it were a superpower, I'd be like Mystique or ElastiGirl - changing my molecules every other minute or so. Difference is I'd be a villain... or am I already one?

This unpleasantness, that keeps growing by the day is self imposed. I see, i feel the readiness to be close to me but harshly reject it. Everywhere. All aspects. None left exempted. At the end of the day, I'm only left with loneliness and misery and echoes of it that just keeps bouncing off the walls of my head. I just hope I don't go crazy out of it. I pray not. Pray.

I'm tired, I'm sleeping more than required, I'm depressed and delusional. Or am I just an attention seeker? What is it? See? Echoes bouncing the walls. Change.

I need a change.